Imagine this. You get up one day. You are told you are of no use. It's no good being born as you. You are a liability and a piece of sham. You are the reason why I look less of a man in the society. Keeping you alive is a regret. Letting you live a mistake. Feeding you is a waste. Clothing you an unnecessary expense.
Now imagine this again: This is said to you every day. Every since you were born. You did not understand what it meant but the tone gave you a sense of negativity. A feeling that triggered crying. Might be similar to the feeling of craving milk. Or that feeling when you got your first head bump trying to crawl under the bed when trailing an ant.
You grew up. You are three and half years old today. You speak well. You are being mischievous now. You love jumping around. Chasing dogs. Playing in the mud. Scribbling walls. By now, you know the sun comes in the day. The moon follows you everywhere. But you quite yet don't understand why? Why the sun comes only in the day? Why the moon follows you everywhere? Why this person never smiles at you? Why is this person always an inch away from slapping me for chasing dogs? Why is this person pissed off every time I enter home with muddied clothes? Why does the person beat me with a leather belt for just scribbling the walls?
You're an 18 year old now. You have a right to vote. Choose a candidate to govern you. Well, they told you your vote counts. You are in college. Studying subjects that you love or those subjects you can afford to love. Scores wise. Also moolah wise. You now understand the emotions better. You can name them. You know when someone likes you. Loves you. Hates you. You don't know why they do what they but it makes you happy. Loved. Angry. Actually confused, sad and then angry.This is how many amongst us have grown up. For whatever reason one or many in our life convinced us we deserved so. Grown-up feeling not wanted. Not loved. Feeling so small, that you could never look up. Or attempt to make an eye contact. Felt so naked at every stare the world gave. Even a blank look from a stranger got us analysing. Triggering a chaos. It sucked the life out of you yet left you with no answers. Why are you a misfit? Why does my presence piss someone off? Why am I someone's regret?
However, there was one person. There always has been. You could be her son or daughter. Your gender did not matter. She was the happiest when you were born. She nurtured you since day zero of birth. Shielded you her level best from those looks which triggered tears. Told you,'you were the best thing to have happened to her',every time someone called you a mistake. Fed you her share. Clothed you with the best she could afford. Laughed when you chased a dog by its tail and smilingly facepalmed at the sight of your muddied face. She happily mentioned about your wall scribbling stunts to anyone who came home and asked about your age. She was as relieved as you were when board exams were over. She saw you pull those all-nighters. Probably did it herself too.
She spent everything she had on you. Money. Time. Energy. She protected you from some and prepared you to face some. She watched your back but also was your backbone. She told you to believe in yourself. She told you, you mattered. She made you believe you were flawless. Every time she looked at you, you felt good. All you had to do was cuddle into her and the feeling of being naked just disappeared. With her, chaos attained zen. You felt the most important and every word you said she listened. The unanswered didn't feel the need of an answer. You were okay being the misfit. You were okay to be stared at. You survived through all of it. You did not deserve it. But you saved that for another time. Because you are 18 today. You lived through all of it because of her. Her love was a healer. Her stories and inspiration. Her life an example.
I write to thank all mothers who fought this battle for us. A battle we didn't know had begun much before we were born. I don't know what you went through every step of it. Must have been hard. Very hard. I am sorry for all the times I cried to you for feeling unloved. I didn't realize how unfair I was being to you. Thank you for letting me live. For shielding me from all things bad and introducing to all things good.Thank you for taking pride in me. Believing in me. You prayed to Him for me but never forced me to believe in Him unless I wanted to. Thank you for letting me choose commerce over science. For allowing me to buy a strapless dress. For understanding my guitar performances looked better with an AfroFor being okay when I took a year off and did nothing. For letting me pick my first job and my spouse too. For being there when I am lost decoding my hyped-up complexities.
Happy Mother's Day Aamu. You are the only team I need. It will always be us against the world.
